The Secret Project: Car Rug/Caddy

I don't know why I keep calling this the secret project.  I've actually been talking about it quite a bit; it's certainly no secret.  I guess I just like the stealthy and intriguing sound it gives it.  Anyway, I worked all day yesterday to create this very fun and unique car rug/caddy for Cameron.  I actually had seen the ideas and formulated my plans a few months ago, even bought the fabric.  But there it sat, and there I stared at it.  I was actually really nervous about putting this together, and I knew it would be time consuming and tedious project.  But Tuesday afternoon, Elissa had a follow up appointment at the doctors office from her hospital visit.  We waited for over an hour to see the doctor....like you usually do for a late afternoon appointment, and I could have kicked myself for not having made the car caddy yet.  It certainly would have kept Cameron occupied.  If you know my son, you know his deep love of cars, particularly hot wheels.  He carries them EVERYWHERE!!!!  When we leave the house, he'll have them stuffed in his pockets, and in his hands.  I knew this would be perfect for taking cars with us, giving him something to play on, and keeping all the cars contained, instead of rolling around the diaper bag.  I got the idea for the Car Rug/Caddy from this amazing tutorial from Homemade by Jill and then I combined this tutorial from Fiskars.

So without further ado...here is my version of the On the Go Car Caddy/Play Rug.....

There are six pockets for holding cars.

All the road and pieces are made out of felt.  I particularly love the gas station with the working hose (made from a shoelace).

It closes up so tiny, just perfect for a diaper bag, and playing on the go.  

I am most proud of my applique job on the front, with the car.  I have never ever appliquéd, and I never ever thought I would.  But now...I may be slightly addicted, and want to appliqué everything.  It will certainly take more practice, but I don't think I did too shabby for my first attempt.

And folding this thing is as easy as....

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The best part though, is how much Cameron loves it already.  Infact I didn't even officially get to "give" it to him.  He saw it on the dresser this morning, and noticed the car on the front.  He had seen me working on it yesterday, and I told him it was for him.  He grabbed up the caddy, and started saying, "thank you mom, thank you mom!"  

Another project checked off my list!

Elissa Update

Sometimes life merrily skips along, you smell the roses, twirl in your skirt, and enjoy every moment.  Other times,  life throws you curve balls....and fast.  I would say that life has been throwing alot of curve balls lately.  I'm having a hard time keeping up.  Just when I think I'm in the rhythm of our new life, I get hit, right in the chest, by that darn ball.  I will say that my faith is stretched and I am learning to depend on my Lord more and more every day.   But Lord, I'm ready to be done with that for a while now.  I'd really enjoy some time to just stop, and twirl and smell roses.  Thanks.

I thought my blog might be a good way to give everyone a quick update on Elissa.  And to share my feelings, as I'm sure you've all come to know I do so well. ;0)

Monday afternoon, I had fed Elissa  bottle and set her in highchair to get her baby food ready.  She was making some small whining noises, so I went over to her, and noticed she was shaking.  Now remember it was practically 90 degrees that day, and we don't have air in our house.  My first thoughts were, "is she having a seizure?"  I know, horrible, but she was acting so weird.  I quickly pulled her from the chair and was holding her, trying to figure out what was happening.  Nick came over and said she felt warm.  Her temperature read 103.  We gave her some Tylenol, but just minutes later, she was feeling much hotter and looking very ill.  We took her temp again and it read 105.  I quickly took her to the tub, to try to cool her.  We called the phone nurse.  By now we thought perhaps she was suffering from heat exhaustion.  The phone nurse suggested we take her to the hospital.  There she was diagnosed with a Urinary Tract Infection.  They gave us an antibiotic for her and sent us home.  I was worried about Elissa's fever getting high over night, so I had her sleep with us.

The next morning, I woke up to Elissa gagging and trying to vomit.  I was thankful I had had her sleep with us, because she could have choked, had I not been there to help her sit upright.  Later that morning we took her into her pediatrician.  It just so happened that her tylenol was wearing off and the doctor was able to see how miserable she really was.  If you know my daughter, you know how extremely good natured and happy she is.  Fussy and cranky is not in her vocabulary.  Our doctor suggested we admit her to the hospital since she wasn't eating, couldn't keep her medicine down, and her fever was staying quite high.  

It has been almost 36 hours since we admitted Elissa, but it feels so long already.  I"m drained.  I want my baby home.  Nothing is worse than watching your child in pain, and wishing you could carry the load for her instead.

As of tonight, Elissa's fever still remains high.  Motrin bring it down, but when it wears off, it shoots right back up, and quickly.  They ran blood work on her yesterday and today ( and I won't even get started on the horrendous event that was.)  The ultrasound of her kidneys shows that one was slightly swollen.  We'll find out more tomorrow morning, exactly what that means, but we've heard that there will be more testing, in GR mostly likely, but exactly what and why, we're not sure.  They now call her in diagnosis, Pyelonephritis.  A kidney infection.  She is extremely fussy and irritable.   But has her good moment, although they seem so far and few between.

I'm home this evening.  Nick decided to stay the night with tonight.  I'm struggling at the moment, with feeling like I've abandoned her.  Maybe it's a mother thing, I don't know, but I feel I should be there every moment.  But I know I needed a good night sleep, I needed a shower and change of clothes, I need to see my son and spend a little time with him, I needed to get the house ready for a showing tomorrow.  But it's so hard.  My heart is there with her.  I'm so afraid something will happen while I'm gone.  I'm so afraid she'll need me, and no one else, is quite like mom.  Nick is a wonderful father, and I Elissa will be fine with him.  I just need to refuel and then I can tackle this all again tomorrow.

It's looking like the earliest, if God performs a miracle here, would be us returning home with her on Friday.  I am praying that happens.  The house feels so empty, with just Cameron and I here tonight.  It's not right. it should be the 4 of us together.

I hate hospitals.  It feels like a dungeon.   It makes me feel like I hardly breathe.  Time passes so slowly while you're in there.

But through of all this.  I'm keeping my eyes focused on God. He'll see us through.  I'm reminding myself of all of these littles blessings and helps he's been giving us since this started.  Supportive and amazing friends and family that have visited,  family that has adjusted there schedules to be watch Cameron, my sister cleaning my house and then finding out the Realtors want to so show it tomorrow (thank you Stacy), my sister-in-law works at the hospital and has been a huge help and comfort, knowing there are a whole lot of prayers warriors our there praying for Elissa and us.  Nick only started his new job a month, and doesn't have any paid vacation yet, but unbelievably his boss' are giving him time off, because they  have encountered similar situations with their children.  My list could go on, but we'll stop there for now.

Please keep your prayers coming for Elissa.  She's not out of the dark yet, but I'm hoping tomorrow will be a good day for her.  It's the hardest thing I've endured as a mother.  I keep thinking of families that have a child with a continued illness, or many surgeries, I'm exhausted after just 1 day; I couldn't imagine having to do this all the time.  I have a newfound respect and compassion for parents who suffer through that.  I'm praying this is for Eissa.   That we can bring her home soon and this will all be in the past.

Thank you again, to everyone that has been praying and going out of there way for us.  What a blessing you are to us.  It is very much appreciated.

Muffin Tin Monday

Horray it's Muffin Tin Monday over at Muffin Tin Mom.  And we're finally back in the game.  Boy did I miss doing this with Cameron.  He was doing little jumps all over the kitchen when I told him it was Muffin Tin Monday.  He was obviously thrilled, and must truly enjoy my creativity. ;)

Anyways, it's No Theme all summer.  So I'll try to get the creative juices going, and come up with some of my own themes this summer.  For today, I decided to do a  little Water/Fish theme.

So we turned our Apple juice and our yogurt blue, to represent water.   Which, Cameron thought was just about the coolest thing ever!  

Next to the yogurt we have some delicious looking tuna fish crackers with cheese.  Now, I am personally not a fan of tuna fish.  I tell my husband he can not even MAKE it if I am nearby.  The smell......{shudder}.   I don't know what came over, but I thought it would be fun to make it for Cameron, and see what he thought of tuna fish.  He didn't eat it, but I think he did pick off some of the cheese.  Silly boy.

Ofcourse, you can't have a fish themed lunch without GOLDFISH crackers.  And we have some special S'more goldfish in the cup below.  I had to pull them out, until he was finished with everything else, because he would gladly eat dessert first.

Below the tuna fish crackers we have some tasty blueberries, that were included, simply because they are blue, and I wanted a fruit in there.  But what I am most proud of, is my peanut butter and jelly sailboat sandwich.  (You didn't know I was so crafty, did you?)  

Stop by The Muffin Tin Mom to check out what others were enjoying for lunch.  

I Am Clay

Today I stood at the doorway of the church that I have attended since I was 1 year of age, the church where I heard my first Bible stories of Jesus, where I sang in my first Christmas musicals, attended VBS, had many specials friends throughout the years, grew through my strange teenage years, worked my first real job as the church secretary, married the man of my dreams in the sanctuary, worked as the Children's Ministry Director for the past 5 years, and my children were dedicated to the Lord.  I stood at that door, looked down the dark hallway, to the bright, sun filled doorway on the other end, and let the memories wash over me.  I thought maybe my children would grow up in this same church, as I had.  That they would have special memories of their years in the nursery and their teachers.  That they would hear of Jesus, and rush to me after church to tell me about how Jonah was swallowed by a big fish.  That they would sing Christmas songs to the church, that they would serve the Lord in various ministries, that they might have their first crush here, that they would find their ministry here, and maybe they would walk down the same aisle on their wedding day, like I did.

I began to let the tears fall, and I sobbed into my husbands arms.  I could hardly believe this part of my life was coming to end.  I never imagined it would end this way either.  I never imagined that when God called me to children's ministry at my home church, he would pull me away from it in a such a painful later.

I turned in my keys, took the last box of my possessions, and walked out the door.  It was certainly the hardest thing I've done in a long time.  My heart still aches at this moment.  I'm sure it will ache for a very long time.  You can't just erase 26 years of memories.  Memories that link me to my Lord and Savior.  I'll never understand it all.  I'll never understand why He made it run this course.  But it's time to move forward, time to heal.

Tomorrow morning my family will begin looking for a new church, a new place to belong, a new place to serve and minister with other fellow Christians.  And I am praying that God will direct us to a place where will have friendships and love.  A place where I can heal......

You may have been wondering where I've been these past few months.  Honestly,.....I've been in a dark place.  A rather scary place that I don't care to return to ever.  A place where I doubted if God really heard my prayers.  A place where I suspected that He had abandoned me.  That He had no plans for me.  That perhaps He really didn't love me.  That maybe I was not deserving enough to receive His blessings. That maybe I had done something terribly wrong, and I was being punished.  If it hadn't been for my knowledge of the Bible that has been deeply embedded in me from church and a Christian education, I may have walked away.  But even though my heart felt nothing, my head knew better.  And I am thankful everyday for the many prayers that I know were being sent upon my behalf.

You see, my life went from "not good" to "surviving" to "unbelievable" to "I can't believe this is happening" and now I am here, smiling again....finally.  Just over 11 months ago, my husband came home and told me with tear filled eyes that he had been laid off.  Welcome to MI, join the millions of others that are in the same boat!   But that doesn't make it any easier.  I was pregnant at the time with our 2nd child, Elissa, and thoughts of hospital bills and baby gear and clothes along with regular mortgage and bill payments started swarming in my head.  How does a family survive on unemployment.  Thankfully Jesus heard our desperate cries and Nick was employed after 2 months with a temporary job.  The stress level was manageable and we diligently prayed and I believed whole heartedly that God would have something ready for him when the temp job ended.  Elissa arrived a few months later, and I thought I was in Heaven. I was so happy and our family felt so complete.  Christmas passed and we prepared for the temp job to end, with nothing in the works yet for a real job.  But, by God's amazing power, they continued his job for another month and a half!  I was beyond grateful, but by now, the reality had set in that there was no REAL job coming any time soon.  My stress level was reaching a new all time high. I found it hard to sleep at night.  I had no idea what our future would be like? Then it got worse.  The week that my husband's temp job ended and he was unemployed again, was the same week that my part time job came to an end.  The night they let me go, I prayed that God would come, that this life would just end.  All the cards were stacked up against me, and I had no moves left.

The next 2 1/2 months I worked at my part time job, but hardly anyone would speak to me.  I felt so frustrated and hurt.  I would look at them, and think, "You have no idea how badly I'm hurting.  All I want is for you to come up to me and talk to me.  To say you care, that you're sorry this happening, that you've appreciated everything I've worked so hard at the past 5 years."  But they didn't.  On my last day as the children's minister, only 3 people told me "thank you for your ministry".  That was it, out of a whole church, 3 people.  When I need someone to throw me a line, more than any other time in my life, they left me to sink.   A person can only tread water for so long, and my time had long passed.

In these 2 1/2 months that I battled the war of sadness and pain in my heart for my church, another war was brewing, between me and my God.  I gave up on praying to him to save us from this situation.  I spent my every breath yelling at Him and blaming Him for failing me.    I was a horrible wife and mother.  I was just a dark hole, waiting to be swallowed up.  I've never cried so many tears in my life.  I felt unbearably lost.  This isn't what I had imagined my life would be like.  This isn't who I wanted to be.  How could God possibly let both me and my husband lose our jobs, when we have 2 small children to care for?  And why does no one else in this world give a hoot?  And then.....

Wisconsin called.   They wanted to interview Nick.  He went through rigorous testing.  They only wanted the smartest and the brightest.  They called for us to come.  We went and visited their beautiful state, with their green farmland and rolling hills.  They lured our interest with their high paying jobs and family friendly cities.  They baited us with incomparable benefits and free vacations.  Someone pinch  me, please, this place is unreal.  My husband wanted the job, badly.  It was an exciting, well paying job.  But it was so. far. away.

Thoughts of Christmas  and birthdays alone, with no family, no grandparents to witness first Christmas pageants, or T ball games, or dance recitals.  No aunts or uncles to come for spontaneous play visits of cars and horse-back rides.  No friends to chat with over ice cream and play games with.  It would all come to end.    I knew the next year ahead of me would be full of changes and challenges and more crying and heart ache.  I felt like I was literally losing every bit of sanity I was so preciously clinging to by this point.  How was I supposed to tell my husband, "No, we can't go."  when I knew how badly he wanted this job.  Thank the Lord another job offer arrived at the same time, for a company right here in our hometown.  My self-sacrificing husband could see that I was hanging by a mere thread and graciously and lovingly declined the WI job.  I'll never be able to show that much love back to him.  It was huge, and it filled my heart to overflowing. I danced for a week straight.  

The week my job at our church ended my husband began his new job, here, in town.  Why did I ever doubt my God?  Hasn't He always shown me that He provides.  Lesson learned.  I'm so sorry Lord.  Slowly I see the ways that you are turning these lemons into lemonade.

So that is where I have been.  I have been struggling to find a breath, to find a light.   I thank all of my friends that have stuck with us, even when I got a little ugly.  They held on tighter and prayed that much harder.  They are true friends.  They mourned with us and they celebrated with us.   I'm so thankful God placed these people in our lives.

So tomorrow I begin a new journey.  I call this a time of healing for me.  I feel as though I've been dragged through the mud and beaten a few times over this past year.   I am anxious to take this road, and become a new person.

I was thinking yesterday of a silly analogy.  I'll share it with you, just for kicks.  When I sew, I take a piece of fabric and cut shapes and pieces.  This fabric could say, "oh no, look at me.  I'm all cut up and good for nothing."  But little does that fabric know that I am about to create something with it.  I am about to make it into something useful.  It will serve a purpose after this.   My life is much like that fabric.  I screamed and yelled and threw my pity parties, while God was cutting up the pieces of my neatly organized little life.  But He has turned on the sewing machine, and the stitches are being made.  I can't wait to see what He creates of me next.

You are the potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me 
This is what I pray 

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true 
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You

Muffin Tin Monday

Today is Muffin Tin Monday!  Whoohoo!  And we're still in color themes.  This week is Blue/Purple foods.
I didn't actually plan at all for this one, and just rummaged around in the kitchen for something that would work.  So here you are...

We had Peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches, Yogurt turned blue, with food coloring (this was really exciting to Cameron), and purple grapes.  The grapes didn't get eaten (sad),  this used to be a favorite food.  And ofcourse I was thrilled to use my cute little blue muffin tins.

Next week is No Theme, so that always makes it easier!  Cameron still gets really excited when I tell him it Muffin Tin lunch day.   Hope you have a happy BLUE and PURPLE lunch.

Gotta love that cute little blue and purple face!
Be sure to stop by Muffin Tin Mom to see what everyone else ate that was blue and purple.

Change

The end of February brought a tremendous amount of snow to our lovely state.  So on a Saturday, while I was busy working, Nick and Cameron headed outside to play in the snow.   A while later I looked out the window to see that they had been busy, building a snowman.  Cameron's first snowman.  "Mine Snowman", he says.  

But then, as soon as the calendar changed to March, it started to warm up.  We've enjoyed lovely sunshine and warmer temperatures.  But it's not been so good for our snowman.

Here's what was left of Cameron's snowman at the beginning of the week.  As of yesterday, it's completely gone.  There's not much left of the snow anywhere now.  There's only mud, dry, dead grass, naked trees and salt smeared roads.  It all happened so quickly; the change.

We changed from Winter to Spring so quickly.  And now Winter almost feels like a distant memory.  I'm anxious for the days we'll spend playing outside, light spring jackets, rainstorms, and flowers.  All signs of springtime.

There is a lot of change heading down the road of my life.  If I try to sit and contemplate on it all at once, it feels overwhelming and insurmountable.  Some of the changes have already been conquered, and others are left unsaid.  Some change is good, like the birth of my daughter, and other change is difficult and sad.  But I trust that my heavenly Father will see me through all of these changes.  Just like He melts the snow and brings up tulips and buds on the trees.  I know that He will bring me into a new season of life, and it will be just as wonderful as the last.

Butterflies = Spring

Check out the West Michigan Mommy blog to enter for your chance to win tickets the Frederik Meijer Butterfly Garden.  I know my family is hoping win these tickets! 

Cameron was just 2 months old the first time he went (I think he slept through the whole thing).  I can't wait to take him, now 2 years old.  It's so neat to see your children experience something new.  Maybe Elissa will be awake for some of it too.  Happy Spring and good luck to all who enter in the giveaway!