Today I stood at the doorway of the church that I have attended since I was 1 year of age, the church where I heard my first Bible stories of Jesus, where I sang in my first Christmas musicals, attended VBS, had many specials friends throughout the years, grew through my strange teenage years, worked my first real job as the church secretary, married the man of my dreams in the sanctuary, worked as the Children's Ministry Director for the past 5 years, and my children were dedicated to the Lord. I stood at that door, looked down the dark hallway, to the bright, sun filled doorway on the other end, and let the memories wash over me. I thought maybe my children would grow up in this same church, as I had. That they would have special memories of their years in the nursery and their teachers. That they would hear of Jesus, and rush to me after church to tell me about how Jonah was swallowed by a big fish. That they would sing Christmas songs to the church, that they would serve the Lord in various ministries, that they might have their first crush here, that they would find their ministry here, and maybe they would walk down the same aisle on their wedding day, like I did.
I began to let the tears fall, and I sobbed into my husbands arms. I could hardly believe this part of my life was coming to end. I never imagined it would end
this way either. I never imagined that when God called me to children's ministry at my home church, he would pull me away from it in a such a painful later.
I turned in my keys, took the last box of my possessions, and walked out the door. It was certainly the hardest thing I've done in a long time. My heart still aches at this moment. I'm sure it will ache for a very long time. You can't just erase 26 years of memories. Memories that link me to my Lord and Savior. I'll never understand it all. I'll never understand why He made it run this course. But it's time to move forward, time to heal.
Tomorrow morning my family will begin looking for a new church, a new place to belong, a new place to serve and minister with other fellow Christians. And I am praying that God will direct us to a place where will have friendships and love. A place where I can heal......
You may have been wondering where I've been these past few months. Honestly,.....I've been in a dark place. A rather scary place that I don't care to return to ever. A place where I doubted if God really heard my prayers. A place where I suspected that He had abandoned me. That He had no plans for me. That perhaps He really didn't love me. That maybe I was not deserving enough to receive His blessings. That maybe I had done something terribly wrong, and I was being punished. If it hadn't been for my knowledge of the Bible that has been deeply embedded in me from church and a Christian education, I may have walked away. But even though my heart felt nothing, my head knew better. And I am thankful everyday for the many prayers that I know were being sent upon my behalf.
You see, my life went from "not good" to "surviving" to "unbelievable" to "I can't believe this is happening" and now I am here, smiling again....finally. Just over 11 months ago, my husband came home and told me with tear filled eyes that he had been laid off. Welcome to MI, join the millions of others that are in the same boat! But that doesn't make it any easier. I was pregnant at the time with our 2nd child, Elissa, and thoughts of hospital bills and baby gear and clothes along with regular mortgage and bill payments started swarming in my head. How does a family survive on unemployment. Thankfully Jesus heard our desperate cries and Nick was employed after 2 months with a temporary job. The stress level was manageable and we diligently prayed and I believed whole heartedly that God would have something ready for him when the temp job ended. Elissa arrived a few months later, and I thought I was in Heaven. I was so happy and our family felt so complete. Christmas passed and we prepared for the temp job to end, with nothing in the works yet for a real job. But, by God's amazing power, they continued his job for another month and a half! I was beyond grateful, but by now, the reality had set in that there was no REAL job coming any time soon. My stress level was reaching a new all time high. I found it hard to sleep at night. I had no idea what our future would be like? Then it got worse. The week that my husband's temp job ended and he was unemployed again, was the same week that my part time job came to an end. The night they let me go, I prayed that God would come, that this life would just end. All the cards were stacked up against me, and I had no moves left.
The next 2 1/2 months I worked at my part time job, but hardly anyone would speak to me. I felt so frustrated and hurt. I would look at them, and think, "You have no idea how badly I'm hurting. All I want is for you to come up to me and talk to me. To say you care, that you're sorry this happening, that you've appreciated everything I've worked so hard at the past 5 years." But they didn't. On my last day as the children's minister, only 3 people told me "thank you for your ministry". That was it, out of a whole church, 3 people. When I need someone to throw me a line, more than any other time in my life, they left me to sink. A person can only tread water for so long, and my time had long passed.
In these 2 1/2 months that I battled the war of sadness and pain in my heart for my church, another war was brewing, between me and my God. I gave up on praying to him to save us from this situation. I spent my every breath yelling at Him and blaming Him for failing me. I was a horrible wife and mother. I was just a dark hole, waiting to be swallowed up. I've never cried so many tears in my life. I felt unbearably lost. This isn't what I had imagined my life would be like. This isn't who I wanted to be. How could God possibly let both me and my husband lose our jobs, when we have 2 small children to care for? And why does no one else in this world give a hoot? And then.....
Wisconsin called. They wanted to interview Nick. He went through rigorous testing. They only wanted the smartest and the brightest. They called for us to come. We went and visited their beautiful state, with their green farmland and rolling hills. They lured our interest with their high paying jobs and family friendly cities. They baited us with incomparable benefits and free vacations. Someone pinch me, please, this place is unreal. My husband wanted the job, badly. It was an exciting, well paying job. But it was so. far. away.
Thoughts of Christmas and birthdays alone, with no family, no grandparents to witness first Christmas pageants, or T ball games, or dance recitals. No aunts or uncles to come for spontaneous play visits of cars and horse-back rides. No friends to chat with over ice cream and play games with. It would all come to end. I knew the next year ahead of me would be full of changes and challenges and more crying and heart ache. I felt like I was literally losing every bit of sanity I was so preciously clinging to by this point. How was I supposed to tell my husband, "No, we can't go." when I knew how badly he wanted this job. Thank the Lord another job offer arrived at the same time, for a company right here in our hometown. My self-sacrificing husband could see that I was hanging by a mere thread and graciously and lovingly declined the WI job. I'll never be able to show that much love back to him. It was huge, and it filled my heart to overflowing. I danced for a week straight.
The week my job at our church ended my husband began his new job, here, in town. Why did I ever doubt my God? Hasn't He always shown me that He provides. Lesson learned. I'm so sorry Lord. Slowly I see the ways that you are turning these lemons into lemonade.
So that is where I have been. I have been struggling to find a breath, to find a light. I thank all of my friends that have stuck with us, even when I got a little ugly. They held on tighter and prayed that much harder. They are true friends. They mourned with us and they celebrated with us. I'm so thankful God placed these people in our lives.
So tomorrow I begin a new journey. I call this a time of healing for me. I feel as though I've been dragged through the mud and beaten a few times over this past year. I am anxious to take this road, and become a new person.
I was thinking yesterday of a silly analogy. I'll share it with you, just for kicks. When I sew, I take a piece of fabric and cut shapes and pieces. This fabric could say, "oh no, look at me. I'm all cut up and good for nothing." But little does that fabric know that I am about to create something with it. I am about to make it into something useful. It will serve a purpose after this. My life is much like that fabric. I screamed and yelled and threw my pity parties, while God was cutting up the pieces of my neatly organized little life. But He has turned on the sewing machine, and the stitches are being made. I can't wait to see what He creates of me next.
You are the potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me
This is what I pray
Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You
