I Miss my Baby

Yesterday was rough mommy day.  I think Cameron was intentionally looking for things to get into that he knew he wasn't allowed to have.  Every 3 minutes or so I was having to get after him.  It made for a very long day.  I was ready to escape as soon as my husband arrived home from work.   He gladly took Cameron and I took Elissa (the easy one at the moment) and headed to a few stores to run some errands I had been trying to get at for about a week.  On my way home, in the quiet of the van, I began to think about Cameron, my two year old, the little boy who wears me out and has my head spinning in circles.  I love him so dearly, and it's so exciting to watch him growing and learning.  But boy oh boy, if someone had really, truly warned about the terrible two's, I may have been tempted to forgo having children.  Okay, okay, maybe not really, but the thought has crossed my mind on those wild and hairy days.

Cameron was definitely not an 'easy' baby.  He had his fair share and then some, of crying, mostly due to acid reflux.  But we survived the baby stage and progressed into toddler-hood.   But I dearly regret wishing away his baby days.  I was always so excited to see what he would be doing next, what new milestone would he achieve and when.  I often found myself saying, "I can't wait until he does ________", or "It'll be so much easier when can ___________."  I never really just enjoyed the stage he was in.  I told myself when I was pregnant for Elissa that I would refrain from doing this.  That I would cherish every moment, because in hindsight, I can see that it quickly passes.  And you can't go back.  You don't get to experience that time again.

As the trees were passing me on the streets, I drifted back to the time when Cameron was about Elissa's age, nearly 4 months old.  Pictures started flashing through my mind.  I was thinking about all the big milestones that Elissa is nearing, sitting up on her own, rolling over, first foods, and I couldn't help but think back to when Cameron did all these things.  And I started to remember how he smelled after his bath, how he would smile that big open mouth smile.  I remembered how we tried so hard to get him to laugh, and I finally achieved success by blowing on the bottoms of his pudgy little feet.  I remember nights of rocking him to sleep, how he would snuggle in.  How he breathed as he slept.  How his little face relaxed and he looked so peaceful.  I suddenly missed everything about Cameron being a baby.  I wanted those moments back, I could hardly breathe for a moment.  I wanted to hold and snuggle him like that again.

I miss my baby today.  I know it seems strange.  But that time comes and goes so quickly, and you can never go back.  But I'll remember that for right now too.  Someday, I'll look back at his toddler pictures and I'll miss this time immensely.  I'll miss the way he says his words, how he runs and plays.  The way he laughs.  How he always carries his cars around the house and leaves them out for me to trip on.  The way he snuggles in for story time.  His big kisses and hugs, and his forgiveness.  I'll miss it all, and I won't be able to come back to this.  And I know that all the hard parts will be a distant memory that I won't even be able to dig up....just like it was when he was a baby.

Searching for Peace

I am searching for peace from my Heavenly Father.  Where is it?  It has always come so easily in my life.  Why can't I seem to find it this time.  Why does it seem so much more difficult now.  Why can't I just have the peace.

My heart hurts.

I know of your promises, Father.  I know it in my head.  I've recited them since my early days of Sunday School.   But why doesn't my heart feel it.  I just keep seeing the cards stacked up, and thinking, either way, it will turn out bad.  There doesn't seem to be a 'good' side to the circumstances anymore.

And my heart hurts.

I watch my husband struggle with the need to provide and care for his family, and not being able to find new work.  Why Lord?  Why won't you bless him and give him the  most wonderful job.  You know he is the most deserving.  Why does every possibility or opportunity of being able to continue living in our home and our city, near our family and our friends, seem to be a closed door.   I don't want to pack up my belongings Lord, and live in a strange new place with no one that I know or love near me.

And my heart hurts.

I long to be a woman, wife and mother that is cherished and remembered.  I want to go above and beyond for my family and others.   I try, I mightily try.  But it seems I have more days filled with frustration, because of little boys with bad behavior and sweet girls who won't sleep.  Didn't you want me to be something great Lord?  Wasn't I supposed to help many?  Every attempt on my behalf has failed.

And my heart hurts.

Why oh why Lord, do you let me fail daily at my job?  Since the day I walked in, I have only seen it decline.  And yet I have watched others soar.  Am I not doing your will?  Why don't you make it clear to me?  I beg you, I search your face.  What is your purpose?  I have never been so hard on myself.  Is there a reason for this?

And my heart hurts more.

So I search for the peace.  I look in every nook and cranny.  Every Bible verse and quote.  I hear the words, but they don't seem to penetrate.  A friend shared with me a beautiful quote.  So true and comforting.
"It is heartening to realize that God accomplishes His purposes despite our frailties, our little faith, our entrenched self-reliance"
And I know that God can use this mess of me.  These words, like so many others, should bring me peace.  They should fill me and overflow me with joy.  I understand the words, I know the meaning.  But yet, my heart feels nothing.  No peace.  It evades me.

And my heart hurts.

Please Lord, I beg of you.  Show your face to me.  Whisper your promises in my ear.  Hold me close and let me cry my tears of self-pity on your shoulder.   Comfort me with your love and your peace.    And take this broken vessel and use it for your glory.

Today my son turned 2 years old.  It is unbelievable to me how quickly the time has passed.  Can he really be 2?  I remember the day he was born so clearly....

I woke early in the morning, over a week past the due date.  I had pain in my lower stomach.....contractions?  I could only hope that it was the beginning of labor.  After a call to the doctor, she told us to head to the hospital; it was time.  I tried to remain calm as I showered and got myself ready.  I was so anxious to meet this little person that I had been praying for for so many years now.  And now that it was finally time, I was feeling a little nervous. 

We arrived at the hospital around 6ish.  By 7am we were in the labor and delivery room, preparing for the birth of our son.  I had decided to give birth naturally.  And we had practice the Bradley method.  We soon settled into our relaxation techniques, and before I knew it, I was peacefully snoozing in between contractions.  Ofcourse the last few hours grew a bit more uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't handle.  They checked my status, and I seemed to be stuck at 8cm.  They decided to break my water, and moments later, I thought I was dying the contractions were so strong.  I was so scared at that moment.  It was just minutes later and I was pushing.  I pushed for about an hour, and at 3:15pm he was born into this world, weighing in at 9lbs 5oz and 22in long. 

My heart raced, I could hardly believe he was here as the doctor held up the baby, and exclaimed, "it's a boy!"  As they laid him on my chest, no words would come.  He was here!  My son!  The miracle of it all is so astounding to me.  How can anyone not believe in our Lord and Father after being apart of such an amazing moment.  It still takes my breath away. 

The days that followed, were ofcourse, a rollercoaster.  I was so dearly in love with my son.  Scared at the responsibility that awaited me.  Tired beyond belief from caring for a baby who enjoyed crying through the night.  But I cherished the moments, where I would sit and rock with him and he would rest his little head on my shoulder.

And now my little son is 2.  He runs around the house, shouting "car" and "no".  He makes us laugh and cry.  He is determined and strong.  He is sweet and innocent.  My little boy is growing so fast, but I"ll never forget the moment he came into my life and made me a mother....his mother.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy!  I love you Cameron.

NOW let's do it!

It was about a year ago that I first attempted to set up this blog. But I really had no idea what I was doing, and quite frankly...felt a little silly. So I stopped. But now I'm ready to give it another go. Should be a good New Years resolution. I frequently find myself with a constant "narration" running through my head during the day. So many thoughts that I would love to share with others, or just jot down for me to look back on one day. Some are thoughtful, some are frivolous, and most will be about....my children. Because that is the most important thing that I am right now - a MOTHER. I just thought it would be so neat to share with myself, or whoever else is reading this, the daily happens in my home and my head. I have an 'almost' two year old (who has been in his terrible 2's for almost 8 months now), and a beautiful daughter,who is 2 months old today. My life is busy, and fun, and tiring, and now I'm going to share it.