I Am Clay

Today I stood at the doorway of the church that I have attended since I was 1 year of age, the church where I heard my first Bible stories of Jesus, where I sang in my first Christmas musicals, attended VBS, had many specials friends throughout the years, grew through my strange teenage years, worked my first real job as the church secretary, married the man of my dreams in the sanctuary, worked as the Children's Ministry Director for the past 5 years, and my children were dedicated to the Lord.  I stood at that door, looked down the dark hallway, to the bright, sun filled doorway on the other end, and let the memories wash over me.  I thought maybe my children would grow up in this same church, as I had.  That they would have special memories of their years in the nursery and their teachers.  That they would hear of Jesus, and rush to me after church to tell me about how Jonah was swallowed by a big fish.  That they would sing Christmas songs to the church, that they would serve the Lord in various ministries, that they might have their first crush here, that they would find their ministry here, and maybe they would walk down the same aisle on their wedding day, like I did.

I began to let the tears fall, and I sobbed into my husbands arms.  I could hardly believe this part of my life was coming to end.  I never imagined it would end this way either.  I never imagined that when God called me to children's ministry at my home church, he would pull me away from it in a such a painful later.

I turned in my keys, took the last box of my possessions, and walked out the door.  It was certainly the hardest thing I've done in a long time.  My heart still aches at this moment.  I'm sure it will ache for a very long time.  You can't just erase 26 years of memories.  Memories that link me to my Lord and Savior.  I'll never understand it all.  I'll never understand why He made it run this course.  But it's time to move forward, time to heal.

Tomorrow morning my family will begin looking for a new church, a new place to belong, a new place to serve and minister with other fellow Christians.  And I am praying that God will direct us to a place where will have friendships and love.  A place where I can heal......

You may have been wondering where I've been these past few months.  Honestly,.....I've been in a dark place.  A rather scary place that I don't care to return to ever.  A place where I doubted if God really heard my prayers.  A place where I suspected that He had abandoned me.  That He had no plans for me.  That perhaps He really didn't love me.  That maybe I was not deserving enough to receive His blessings. That maybe I had done something terribly wrong, and I was being punished.  If it hadn't been for my knowledge of the Bible that has been deeply embedded in me from church and a Christian education, I may have walked away.  But even though my heart felt nothing, my head knew better.  And I am thankful everyday for the many prayers that I know were being sent upon my behalf.

You see, my life went from "not good" to "surviving" to "unbelievable" to "I can't believe this is happening" and now I am here, smiling again....finally.  Just over 11 months ago, my husband came home and told me with tear filled eyes that he had been laid off.  Welcome to MI, join the millions of others that are in the same boat!   But that doesn't make it any easier.  I was pregnant at the time with our 2nd child, Elissa, and thoughts of hospital bills and baby gear and clothes along with regular mortgage and bill payments started swarming in my head.  How does a family survive on unemployment.  Thankfully Jesus heard our desperate cries and Nick was employed after 2 months with a temporary job.  The stress level was manageable and we diligently prayed and I believed whole heartedly that God would have something ready for him when the temp job ended.  Elissa arrived a few months later, and I thought I was in Heaven. I was so happy and our family felt so complete.  Christmas passed and we prepared for the temp job to end, with nothing in the works yet for a real job.  But, by God's amazing power, they continued his job for another month and a half!  I was beyond grateful, but by now, the reality had set in that there was no REAL job coming any time soon.  My stress level was reaching a new all time high. I found it hard to sleep at night.  I had no idea what our future would be like? Then it got worse.  The week that my husband's temp job ended and he was unemployed again, was the same week that my part time job came to an end.  The night they let me go, I prayed that God would come, that this life would just end.  All the cards were stacked up against me, and I had no moves left.

The next 2 1/2 months I worked at my part time job, but hardly anyone would speak to me.  I felt so frustrated and hurt.  I would look at them, and think, "You have no idea how badly I'm hurting.  All I want is for you to come up to me and talk to me.  To say you care, that you're sorry this happening, that you've appreciated everything I've worked so hard at the past 5 years."  But they didn't.  On my last day as the children's minister, only 3 people told me "thank you for your ministry".  That was it, out of a whole church, 3 people.  When I need someone to throw me a line, more than any other time in my life, they left me to sink.   A person can only tread water for so long, and my time had long passed.

In these 2 1/2 months that I battled the war of sadness and pain in my heart for my church, another war was brewing, between me and my God.  I gave up on praying to him to save us from this situation.  I spent my every breath yelling at Him and blaming Him for failing me.    I was a horrible wife and mother.  I was just a dark hole, waiting to be swallowed up.  I've never cried so many tears in my life.  I felt unbearably lost.  This isn't what I had imagined my life would be like.  This isn't who I wanted to be.  How could God possibly let both me and my husband lose our jobs, when we have 2 small children to care for?  And why does no one else in this world give a hoot?  And then.....

Wisconsin called.   They wanted to interview Nick.  He went through rigorous testing.  They only wanted the smartest and the brightest.  They called for us to come.  We went and visited their beautiful state, with their green farmland and rolling hills.  They lured our interest with their high paying jobs and family friendly cities.  They baited us with incomparable benefits and free vacations.  Someone pinch  me, please, this place is unreal.  My husband wanted the job, badly.  It was an exciting, well paying job.  But it was so. far. away.

Thoughts of Christmas  and birthdays alone, with no family, no grandparents to witness first Christmas pageants, or T ball games, or dance recitals.  No aunts or uncles to come for spontaneous play visits of cars and horse-back rides.  No friends to chat with over ice cream and play games with.  It would all come to end.    I knew the next year ahead of me would be full of changes and challenges and more crying and heart ache.  I felt like I was literally losing every bit of sanity I was so preciously clinging to by this point.  How was I supposed to tell my husband, "No, we can't go."  when I knew how badly he wanted this job.  Thank the Lord another job offer arrived at the same time, for a company right here in our hometown.  My self-sacrificing husband could see that I was hanging by a mere thread and graciously and lovingly declined the WI job.  I'll never be able to show that much love back to him.  It was huge, and it filled my heart to overflowing. I danced for a week straight.  

The week my job at our church ended my husband began his new job, here, in town.  Why did I ever doubt my God?  Hasn't He always shown me that He provides.  Lesson learned.  I'm so sorry Lord.  Slowly I see the ways that you are turning these lemons into lemonade.

So that is where I have been.  I have been struggling to find a breath, to find a light.   I thank all of my friends that have stuck with us, even when I got a little ugly.  They held on tighter and prayed that much harder.  They are true friends.  They mourned with us and they celebrated with us.   I'm so thankful God placed these people in our lives.

So tomorrow I begin a new journey.  I call this a time of healing for me.  I feel as though I've been dragged through the mud and beaten a few times over this past year.   I am anxious to take this road, and become a new person.

I was thinking yesterday of a silly analogy.  I'll share it with you, just for kicks.  When I sew, I take a piece of fabric and cut shapes and pieces.  This fabric could say, "oh no, look at me.  I'm all cut up and good for nothing."  But little does that fabric know that I am about to create something with it.  I am about to make it into something useful.  It will serve a purpose after this.   My life is much like that fabric.  I screamed and yelled and threw my pity parties, while God was cutting up the pieces of my neatly organized little life.  But He has turned on the sewing machine, and the stitches are being made.  I can't wait to see what He creates of me next.

You are the potter
I am the clay
Mold me and make me 
This is what I pray 

Change my heart oh God
Make it ever true 
Change my heart oh God
May I be like You

Muffin Tin Monday

Today is Muffin Tin Monday!  Whoohoo!  And we're still in color themes.  This week is Blue/Purple foods.
I didn't actually plan at all for this one, and just rummaged around in the kitchen for something that would work.  So here you are...

We had Peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches, Yogurt turned blue, with food coloring (this was really exciting to Cameron), and purple grapes.  The grapes didn't get eaten (sad),  this used to be a favorite food.  And ofcourse I was thrilled to use my cute little blue muffin tins.

Next week is No Theme, so that always makes it easier!  Cameron still gets really excited when I tell him it Muffin Tin lunch day.   Hope you have a happy BLUE and PURPLE lunch.

Gotta love that cute little blue and purple face!
Be sure to stop by Muffin Tin Mom to see what everyone else ate that was blue and purple.

Change

The end of February brought a tremendous amount of snow to our lovely state.  So on a Saturday, while I was busy working, Nick and Cameron headed outside to play in the snow.   A while later I looked out the window to see that they had been busy, building a snowman.  Cameron's first snowman.  "Mine Snowman", he says.  

But then, as soon as the calendar changed to March, it started to warm up.  We've enjoyed lovely sunshine and warmer temperatures.  But it's not been so good for our snowman.

Here's what was left of Cameron's snowman at the beginning of the week.  As of yesterday, it's completely gone.  There's not much left of the snow anywhere now.  There's only mud, dry, dead grass, naked trees and salt smeared roads.  It all happened so quickly; the change.

We changed from Winter to Spring so quickly.  And now Winter almost feels like a distant memory.  I'm anxious for the days we'll spend playing outside, light spring jackets, rainstorms, and flowers.  All signs of springtime.

There is a lot of change heading down the road of my life.  If I try to sit and contemplate on it all at once, it feels overwhelming and insurmountable.  Some of the changes have already been conquered, and others are left unsaid.  Some change is good, like the birth of my daughter, and other change is difficult and sad.  But I trust that my heavenly Father will see me through all of these changes.  Just like He melts the snow and brings up tulips and buds on the trees.  I know that He will bring me into a new season of life, and it will be just as wonderful as the last.

Butterflies = Spring

Check out the West Michigan Mommy blog to enter for your chance to win tickets the Frederik Meijer Butterfly Garden.  I know my family is hoping win these tickets! 

Cameron was just 2 months old the first time he went (I think he slept through the whole thing).  I can't wait to take him, now 2 years old.  It's so neat to see your children experience something new.  Maybe Elissa will be awake for some of it too.  Happy Spring and good luck to all who enter in the giveaway!

What I Love About You - 4 Months

I can hardly believe that you are 4 months old already, Elissa.  You're my little pumpkin (since you were born in the fall).  Even though it seems I'm still learning to adjust to life with 2 children and all the chaos that creates, I can't imagine life without you anymore.  I love having you as a part of our family.  You bring us double the joy.

~ I love your big happy grin that you give me, just because you spotted me.  I love even more, the happy little giggle I get when I start talking to you.

~the way you chatter and gurgle.  Like you're really trying to having 'girl talk' with me.  It makes me excited to think about all the 'girl talks' we will have.  And hopefully shopping trips too. 

~I love that I can do a whole load of 'pink' and when I empty the lint trap on the dyer, it's all pink.  It always makes me smile.  I love to dress you up all girly.

~your bright and beautiful eyes.  And how they get so BIG when you're excited.

~And who couldn't love those cheeks.  Now I know why old ladies love to pinch cheeks.  But I just love to kiss yours.

~I love the way you bounce around in your jumperoo.  You are so free and happy in there.  I call it 'your happy place'.  You love to bounce in there as much as your brother did.

~the way that I can put a bow or clippy in the top of your hair, even though you're bald all around the rest of your head, from rubbing your head.

~I was so excited to put your hair in a little ponytail.   It was so adorable and you didn't seem to mind at all.  It's so cute just sticking straight up.

~ I love your large assortment of bibs.  I'm sure we wear at least 5 a day and 3 clothing changes a day right now.  You drool and spit up SOOOOO much.  But I know it means teeth are on their way.

~I love how strong you are becoming.  You love to sit up.  If we try to lay you back, or I place you in bouncy seat, you try to do a baby sit up and sit yourself upright.  I'm sure you'll be sitting up long before you start rolling.  You are similar to your brother in  your development.  

~I love how you can grasp all your toys now.  It makes play time so much more intriguing for you.

~how you hold your bottle.  It's one of my favorite times, snuggling and feeding you. 

~You are getting so much better at tummy-time these days.  It still doesn't last long, but you're doing great, holding you're head up at a 90 degree angle now.

~I love the ruffles on the butt of your pants.

~I LOVE the way you poke your bottom lip out and pout right before you start to cry.  Apparently you inherited this little trait from me.  And I can't help but laugh every time you do.  It's so cute. 

~You love to pull the little butterfly doll on changing table down, onto your tummy when I'm changing you.

~And I love how much you love your daddy.

See what other mothers love about there little ones by clicking the button below.

Muffin Tin Monday - Yellow

I got the coolest Muffin Tins!  I'm so excited.  I just happened to be visiting our Jo-Ann fabrics when they were having a big sale on Wilton Cake supplies.  I grabbed up a a bunch of the cute little muffin cups I've been drooling over in everyone else's blogs.  Today I got a chance to use our super cute yellow, flower muffin tins.  Because it felt like a sunny spring day in the morning and today's theme is the color YELLOW.

 

In these adorable little cups are Stick crackers, string cheese cut into bite sizes, peaches, a yellow bell pepper cut, and pineapple chunks.  In the very center of our little yellow flower is some Ranch dressing for dipping.  

I would have never thought to offer Cameron a pepper (I don't even like peppers).  But I just so happened to be browsing for yellow foods at the grocery store and was feeling adventurous.

 

 Cameron gobbled up the cheese, cracker sticks, and peaches.  But he wouldn't even grace the peppers or the pineapple with his spoon.  What a shame, I love pineapple. Yum.

So what did you have for lunch?  See what everyone else had at Muffin Tin Mom.

Tot School - Farm Animals

~Cameron is currently 25 months old~

For our first official Tot School I grabbed some materials from my supply boxes.  And it just so happened to be all farm animal related.  So we went with it.  Cameron is having an absolute BLAST doing Tot School.  He loves the time focused on just him, and is really soaking up all the learning and new things we're trying out.  I'm having a blast too.  I'm introducing a wide variety of activities to him to evaluate his skills and abilities.  

 Here's a picture of Cameron matching up baby and mommy animals.  He did fantastic at this, and made the correct animal noises for most of the animals.   Although he tends to get cow and horse confused sometimes.

 

I am a big fan of sign language.  Cameron learned some basic communication words when he was around 9 months old, which made expressing his needs much easier.  I have these great sign language cards that I purchased a year ago.  I pulled out some animals to go along with our theme for the week.  We ended up only learning horse, cow, pig and duck, because Cameron was losing interest.

 

I pulled out my felt board and a felt story that I had made back in my college days.  Cameron adored this.  The story we did was Cock-a-Moo Moo.  Cameron loved to put all the pieces up on the board as I told the story.  We also reviewed the names and noises of each animal.   I think he really enjoyed the tactile experience of this.  I'll definitely be creating more felt board stories and activities for us.

As part of our little "circle time", I decided to introduce some songs.  Now Cameron has never appreciated my singing.  As a baby, he cried louder when I tried to sing to him (sheesh, I didn't know my voice was that bad).  And as a 1 year old, he never seemed interested at all when I played music or sang.  So I was curious to see how he would do with music now.   He seems to "Bebop" around when he hears music on the radio or TV these days.  I started out teaching him The Itsy Bitsy Spider.  He loved it.  He attempted to sing with me a little, and did all the motions.  I was so tickled.  It was definitely the highlight of the week for me.  We also sang, If You're Happy and You Know It as well as Old McDonald Had a Farm.  I can't wait to teach him more songs now.

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I scored these awesome books on clearance at our Wal-mart the other day.  They are Kumon Let's Sticker and Paste, Let's Cut Paper and Let's Color!  As much as I love homemade items, I was excited to find a more curriculum-like book.

 

 We tried out a page from the Kumon Let's Color book.  Cameron was supposed to color "ketchup" on the omelet on this page.  I was impressed by how well he did at staying inside the "omelet" area.  I am also extremely surprised by how he correctly holds his writing utensils already.  I've noticed that he grasps his crayons correctly, in the past, but always thought maybe it was a fluke.  Hopefully he doesn't lose this skill.

 

I am really noticing that Cameron has some fantastic fine motor skills.  I asked him to lace his beads and he did every. single. bead.  Here he is holding them all up for me.  I was so proud, and so was he.  I loved how hard he concentrated on this activity.

 

My solution for keeping the beads from slipping off the end of the string is to put a clothes pin on the end.  At first Cameron wanted to take it off, but quickly realized that without it, the beads would fall off.

 

We also did a dinosaur foam sticker activity (I know, it doesn't go with my farm animal theme).

He spotted this container of dinosaurs that I found at the dollar store, and was so anxious to get them out.  He REALLY loves stickers.  Unfortunately the backs were hard for him to get off by himself.  

I've been rummaging through all my old college school supplies.  I just found the box last week, and was delighted by all the goodies I forgot I had made in my Early Childhood Education classes.  I'm still working at getting everything organized and sorted.  Next week, we will be doing Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See.  I love this book and so does Cameron.  I'm so excited, because I have a lot of neat things planned.

Tiny Tots

Elissa is four months old now.  I can hardly believe it.  She is finally getting a bit happier with tummy time.   She's doing really well holding her head up at a 90 degree angle.  And she loves to grab at the toys that she wants now.  And of course, everything goes in the mouth.  If it's not a toy (as you can see she's trying to stuff the entire thing in her mouth here), then it's her hands.  I'm sure it will be a while before she's even interested in working on rolling over (just like Cameron did). 

 

What Elissa really loves to do is SIT.  If you try to lay her back, she does what I call a "baby sit-up".  Here she is exploring and grabbing some of her toys in he Bumbo seat.   

Click here to check out some great Tot School ideas and see what other moms and tots are doing during Tot School time.