I Miss my Baby

Yesterday was rough mommy day.  I think Cameron was intentionally looking for things to get into that he knew he wasn't allowed to have.  Every 3 minutes or so I was having to get after him.  It made for a very long day.  I was ready to escape as soon as my husband arrived home from work.   He gladly took Cameron and I took Elissa (the easy one at the moment) and headed to a few stores to run some errands I had been trying to get at for about a week.  On my way home, in the quiet of the van, I began to think about Cameron, my two year old, the little boy who wears me out and has my head spinning in circles.  I love him so dearly, and it's so exciting to watch him growing and learning.  But boy oh boy, if someone had really, truly warned about the terrible two's, I may have been tempted to forgo having children.  Okay, okay, maybe not really, but the thought has crossed my mind on those wild and hairy days.

Cameron was definitely not an 'easy' baby.  He had his fair share and then some, of crying, mostly due to acid reflux.  But we survived the baby stage and progressed into toddler-hood.   But I dearly regret wishing away his baby days.  I was always so excited to see what he would be doing next, what new milestone would he achieve and when.  I often found myself saying, "I can't wait until he does ________", or "It'll be so much easier when can ___________."  I never really just enjoyed the stage he was in.  I told myself when I was pregnant for Elissa that I would refrain from doing this.  That I would cherish every moment, because in hindsight, I can see that it quickly passes.  And you can't go back.  You don't get to experience that time again.

As the trees were passing me on the streets, I drifted back to the time when Cameron was about Elissa's age, nearly 4 months old.  Pictures started flashing through my mind.  I was thinking about all the big milestones that Elissa is nearing, sitting up on her own, rolling over, first foods, and I couldn't help but think back to when Cameron did all these things.  And I started to remember how he smelled after his bath, how he would smile that big open mouth smile.  I remembered how we tried so hard to get him to laugh, and I finally achieved success by blowing on the bottoms of his pudgy little feet.  I remember nights of rocking him to sleep, how he would snuggle in.  How he breathed as he slept.  How his little face relaxed and he looked so peaceful.  I suddenly missed everything about Cameron being a baby.  I wanted those moments back, I could hardly breathe for a moment.  I wanted to hold and snuggle him like that again.

I miss my baby today.  I know it seems strange.  But that time comes and goes so quickly, and you can never go back.  But I'll remember that for right now too.  Someday, I'll look back at his toddler pictures and I'll miss this time immensely.  I'll miss the way he says his words, how he runs and plays.  The way he laughs.  How he always carries his cars around the house and leaves them out for me to trip on.  The way he snuggles in for story time.  His big kisses and hugs, and his forgiveness.  I'll miss it all, and I won't be able to come back to this.  And I know that all the hard parts will be a distant memory that I won't even be able to dig up....just like it was when he was a baby.