Searching for Peace

I am searching for peace from my Heavenly Father.  Where is it?  It has always come so easily in my life.  Why can't I seem to find it this time.  Why does it seem so much more difficult now.  Why can't I just have the peace.

My heart hurts.

I know of your promises, Father.  I know it in my head.  I've recited them since my early days of Sunday School.   But why doesn't my heart feel it.  I just keep seeing the cards stacked up, and thinking, either way, it will turn out bad.  There doesn't seem to be a 'good' side to the circumstances anymore.

And my heart hurts.

I watch my husband struggle with the need to provide and care for his family, and not being able to find new work.  Why Lord?  Why won't you bless him and give him the  most wonderful job.  You know he is the most deserving.  Why does every possibility or opportunity of being able to continue living in our home and our city, near our family and our friends, seem to be a closed door.   I don't want to pack up my belongings Lord, and live in a strange new place with no one that I know or love near me.

And my heart hurts.

I long to be a woman, wife and mother that is cherished and remembered.  I want to go above and beyond for my family and others.   I try, I mightily try.  But it seems I have more days filled with frustration, because of little boys with bad behavior and sweet girls who won't sleep.  Didn't you want me to be something great Lord?  Wasn't I supposed to help many?  Every attempt on my behalf has failed.

And my heart hurts.

Why oh why Lord, do you let me fail daily at my job?  Since the day I walked in, I have only seen it decline.  And yet I have watched others soar.  Am I not doing your will?  Why don't you make it clear to me?  I beg you, I search your face.  What is your purpose?  I have never been so hard on myself.  Is there a reason for this?

And my heart hurts more.

So I search for the peace.  I look in every nook and cranny.  Every Bible verse and quote.  I hear the words, but they don't seem to penetrate.  A friend shared with me a beautiful quote.  So true and comforting.
"It is heartening to realize that God accomplishes His purposes despite our frailties, our little faith, our entrenched self-reliance"
And I know that God can use this mess of me.  These words, like so many others, should bring me peace.  They should fill me and overflow me with joy.  I understand the words, I know the meaning.  But yet, my heart feels nothing.  No peace.  It evades me.

And my heart hurts.

Please Lord, I beg of you.  Show your face to me.  Whisper your promises in my ear.  Hold me close and let me cry my tears of self-pity on your shoulder.   Comfort me with your love and your peace.    And take this broken vessel and use it for your glory.

I Heart Overalls

There is just something about a little boys in overalls.  I just love it!  I almost always have owned one or two pairs of overalls at a time for Cameron, because they're just so darn cute.   Infact that was probably one of the very first outfits I bought for Cameron; a pair of overalls.  My mom thought I was crazy to be putting something like that on a llittle 1 month old, but I couldn't resist.  Overalls scream, boy!  And my son is definitely all boy. 
Cameron always has cars in his hands, pockets, or backpack.  I hardly ever see him without a car.  Car was his first word, and is still the most often used word on a daily basis.  He loves trains, and wrestling.  He runs, jumps, climbs, and is loud.  He's all boy.  And I love that he is all boy.  Granted, some days I am ready for him to head to bed, because my head is spinning and my ears are ringing from all of his activity.  But I love to watch him indulge in all his 'boyness'.    But the cutest part of all is that he looks slightly mischievous in overalls.

Here's just a few pictures of my obsession with overalls

 

Very first pair of overalls

And don't forget those adorable cotton short overalls with no shirt underneath.  

Warm flannel lined overalls for cold winter days

and ofcourse he took in his very first steps while wearing overalls

Train conductors wear overalls

And today we're sporting a simple 'all boy' overall look!

Lots of room for hiding snakes and snails and chasing puppy dog tails.

An Exceptionally Spit-upy Week

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but honestly, I got a little scared.   I had no knowledge of how blogs really worked, previously.  So instead of buying "Blogging for Idiots", I've just been scouring around, trying to figure out all the many features of blogging.  In the meantime, I've come across a few favorites that I have been following.  Which, coincidentally, are written by other mothers of young children or about children-like things.  As much as I have enjoyed their beautiful writings, I began to feel uncertain about mine.  Oh sure, when I was younger I loved to write.  I once dreamed of being an author.  I loved to write stories in my notebook.  I was always dreaming up something.  I even won a few writing contests.  But then it felt like my creativity left me, sometime in high school.  It never returned.  And now, as a slightly tired mother, I feel I can barely keep one foot in front of another, let alone write eloquently on a blog for all the world to read.  But the desire has still been here.  I'm not sure why, but I really really want to write.  So after a week of debate, I have decided I'll write.  It may not be beautiful and picturesque, but maybe that will follow after some practice.  Who knows maybe my creativity will return.

Well this week has been rather spit-upy, in more ways than one.  I've been feeling a little "raw".  I'm not sure how else to word it.  And I'm certain that this winter gloom and doom is no help at all.  In fact, the days that the sun shines, are probably the only thing that keeps me hopeful right now.  It reminds that spring will come.

Elissa's spit-up on the other hand, I'm not sure what that reminds me of.  Perhaps it helps to keep me in check that, I'm just a mother of two, one in the throws of the terrible two's and the other decorating me in spit-up every few seconds.  And maybe I should quit expecting so much out of myself at this time in my life.  Maybe I should quit trying to do it all.

Well besides wiping spit-up from my shirt, pants, hair, etc., there has been many wonderful and fun moments taking place in our little household the past few weeks.

 

Daddy and Cameron built a wonderful fort out of a blanket and some chairs on cold winters evening.

Cameron has been enjoying showing off all his cars to his sister.  He'll tell you if he's holding a 'blue car'.  He can't identify any other cars.  So I'm not sure if this is just by coincidence, or if he's actually at that point of learning colors.  I'm getting ready to do some Tot School with him at least 3 days a weeks, once Elissa starts a 'normal' schedule and begins taking a nice morning nap.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to do some learning and have just some special time with Cameron.  I"ll keep you updated on that when we begin.

Elissa is taking in the world around her.  She is becoming so much more aware of everything. She reaches out for toys, and is always smiling.  She'll sit and watch you and and soon as you turn your head in her direction, she let's out a great big grin, from ear to ear.  She's such a joy.

I bought these 'Big brother' and 'Little Sister' shirts way back when we first found out I was pregnant with a little girl.  I have been dying to take a cute photo with them snuggling together in their shirts, grins on their faces.  Elissa is out of 0-3 month clothes, but I squeezed the shirt on, and hoped we could capture a nice moment.

No such luck.  Big brother would have nothing to do with sitting next to his sister that day.  He didn't want the camera in his face and he certainly wasn't about to cooperate. (Even if I had thrown a bribe or two in there).  

So this is it.  The photo of the sibling shirts.  I can't help but look at it and laugh.  Aaaaaahhhh, welcome to my life. You just never know what the day will bring.

And last but not least.  I hauled out the Jumperoo for Elissa today.  This was, by far, Cameron's most favorite toy ever.  He would happily bounce for hours if I let him.  I think they must like the freedom of movement, and for my Acid Reflux children, being upright.  Elissa's eyes lit up by the new toys that circled the seat.  She didn't catch on to the bouncing yet, but was certainly entertained by the toys and the bird hanging above.  It almost breaks my heart to see her in this toy.  It means the newborn stage is definitely over.  (although her heavy 14pd. body has been telling me that for while now).  It's always fun to watch your children grow and develop, and it's sad at the same time.  I think the time goes by so quickly.  And you're sleep deprived.  And you can't even seem to remember how she felt curled up in your arms as a little newborn.  Or how her hair smelled. Or how she would just stare at your eyes, and I knew she felt safe and loved.  I could have stayed at that age and place just a little longer.  It goes by so quickly.

But now we're on to reaching, and grabbing and bouncing and spit-up.  OH the spit-up.  It's strange how one day, I'll probably miss the spit-up rags, white spots on my shirt, and that smell.  So I'll try to treasure the spit-up, all the spit-up in my life.  And remember that one day it will be gone, and I'll think of all the good memories from that spit-upy time of life.

Today my son turned 2 years old.  It is unbelievable to me how quickly the time has passed.  Can he really be 2?  I remember the day he was born so clearly....

I woke early in the morning, over a week past the due date.  I had pain in my lower stomach.....contractions?  I could only hope that it was the beginning of labor.  After a call to the doctor, she told us to head to the hospital; it was time.  I tried to remain calm as I showered and got myself ready.  I was so anxious to meet this little person that I had been praying for for so many years now.  And now that it was finally time, I was feeling a little nervous. 

We arrived at the hospital around 6ish.  By 7am we were in the labor and delivery room, preparing for the birth of our son.  I had decided to give birth naturally.  And we had practice the Bradley method.  We soon settled into our relaxation techniques, and before I knew it, I was peacefully snoozing in between contractions.  Ofcourse the last few hours grew a bit more uncomfortable, but nothing I couldn't handle.  They checked my status, and I seemed to be stuck at 8cm.  They decided to break my water, and moments later, I thought I was dying the contractions were so strong.  I was so scared at that moment.  It was just minutes later and I was pushing.  I pushed for about an hour, and at 3:15pm he was born into this world, weighing in at 9lbs 5oz and 22in long. 

My heart raced, I could hardly believe he was here as the doctor held up the baby, and exclaimed, "it's a boy!"  As they laid him on my chest, no words would come.  He was here!  My son!  The miracle of it all is so astounding to me.  How can anyone not believe in our Lord and Father after being apart of such an amazing moment.  It still takes my breath away. 

The days that followed, were ofcourse, a rollercoaster.  I was so dearly in love with my son.  Scared at the responsibility that awaited me.  Tired beyond belief from caring for a baby who enjoyed crying through the night.  But I cherished the moments, where I would sit and rock with him and he would rest his little head on my shoulder.

And now my little son is 2.  He runs around the house, shouting "car" and "no".  He makes us laugh and cry.  He is determined and strong.  He is sweet and innocent.  My little boy is growing so fast, but I"ll never forget the moment he came into my life and made me a mother....his mother.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy!  I love you Cameron.

My Prayer

Cameron loves to hold his sister.  It's so sweet.  It melts my heart to see both of them together.  Their futures and hopefully, friendship flashes before my eyes.  I see the years whiz by as they play together, go to school together, fight together (but hopefully not too much of that one), hang out together, graduate high school,  help each other, support each other, be in each others weddings, become Aunts and Uncles to each others children.   

Oh my.

I just pray every day that the Lord gives me the strength and the wisdom to teach them exactly what they need, to become exactly the person that God wants them to be.  I want my children to change the world for Christ.

And I think they will.

Testing my Patience

Today has just been one of those days with my son.  Now let me start out by clarifying how much I love him.  He can be such a sweetie, but he also has a very quick temper and is extremely strong-willed.  Not a good combination.  All morning long he has been getting into trouble: throwing toys, hitting me or the dog, yelling, climbing on the chair and onto the counter, and just being an overall stinker in general.  I am so exhausted after constantly telling him "no", or sending him to time out, or giving a spanking.  I often begin to wonder on days like this, if I am doing this whole 'discipline' right?  Maybe I'm too strict for a toddler?  Maybe there's a better method that would work with him?  Maybe I'm not showing him in the right way who is 'boss'?  I am constantly second guessing myself.  Especially after he has had 2 or 3 spankings for getting out of his bed at naptime.  He knows he should stay in bed, but he quietly climbs out, watching to see if I'm coming back in room.  And when I do return he races back to his bed with this devious grin on his face.  Where did this child come from?  One time of that, and I would have never gotten back out of bed as a kid.  Maybe my son was switched at birth?  No that's not possible, he looks exactly like my husband.  I guess I carry on, and continue to pray that God will help show me what Cameron needs and what I should do in this area. And if you think of it....whisper a little prayer for me.

Meet my family

Well, I figure since you'll be hearing an awful lot about these characters, I should probably tell you a little bit about them. 

First, I would like you to meet my husband Nick.  He's the best!  And I am sure that I don't deserve him.  He is everything good, loving, kind, considerate, helpful.  And I feel so perfectly loved by him.  He scrubs toilets, loads the dishwasher, changes poopy diapers, gives kids baths, reads them stories, and gives piggy-back rides. He is my best friend and the love of my life.  I am so blessed to be his wife.

Next I would like you to meet my adorable and stubborn son, Cameron.   Cameron is almost 2 years old, and he keeps me on my toes.  From birth, he was always demanding, but would steal your heart with his smile.  Now we can see so much of his personality.  He will fight you until the very end if he thinks he is right (or sometimes just to drive me crazy, I am sure).  He always has a hug for you, and he loves all things cars, planes and trains. 

And last, but not least, my beautiful daughter Elissa.  She just turned 2 months old.   She is so easy going, and full of smiles right now.  But watch out for that bottom lip.  If you upset her, she'll stick it out a mile, begin to cry and break your heart.