Catch Up Day

I've learned something about myself lately.
I try to carry others burdens.
I wondered why my back seemed so sore lately.
I've been trying to haul around, on my back, everyone else's problems, worries, fears and sorrows.  And then, there's my own burdens.  What a heavy load to bear.  I suppose it's just part of my personality.  Feeling like I could in some way, help or lessen the pain if I attempt to carry the pain for them.  Perhaps I am trying to shove my own burdens aside, by focusing on someone else.  I yearn to empathize with them.  No wonder I've felt so weighted down lately.  No wonder I've barely managed to crawl through my days.

When I say the word burden I immediately think of the book Pilgrim's Progress.  Perhaps you are familiar with it.  And if you're not, I highly recommend reading it.  It's the story of a boys journey to God, to heaven.  And it parallels with our christian walk with the Lord.  It's been many years since I've read it, since 3rd grade to be exact.  We did many projects along with the book in school.  But this one picture always sticks out in my head.  It's a picture of the boy, Christian, struggling to make his way to the cross, to the Savior.  Throughout his entire journey he carries this heavy backpack on his back.  We learn that it is his burdens.  I forget exactly where along the journey it is, but he finally shreds the heavy weight from his back.  He is FREE!
And that's exactly what I am doing today.  I am tossing that heavy backpack of burdens off of my shoulders.  I surrender it to the Lord to carry for me.  And if I attempt to take it back, may I quickly be reminded that there is no need for me to lung that thing around, when my strong and mighty Father is more than willing to carry it for me.

So, today is all about catching up on the things I've let slip by while I've been distracted.  All the things I've been wanting to do, but have been too busy to, while trying to carry everyone's weight.

 

We took a little time to take in the breathtaking beauty of the snow this morning.  I get sick of the snow and cold just as much as the next person, but how can you not revel in the magnificence of the big, soft flakes falling from the sky, clinging to the branches of every tree and bush.

It was a picture perfect postcard kind of snow.

While Elissa napped, Cameron and I finally had an opportunity to do a little Tot School.  I've been gathering supplies and anxious to start this special time with him.  He loved it.  He seems so eager to learn and explore right now.  We worked on a skills puzzle for a while.  

And then we played with a peg set.  This will quickly become a favorite toy of ours.  It's so open-ended and has many teachable qualities to it.  First he stacked them up high.  He was so proud.  Then we sorted them into colors.  And I asked him to place specific colors into the peg board.  Lots of fun!

And last but not least, we had a Muffin Tin lunch.  I was supposed to do this on Monday, but hey, better late than never.  Muffin Tin Mondays are a fun way to have a meal, that are sometimes themed.  You can find out more for yourself by stopping by Muffin Tin Mom.  Monday's theme was the color orange.  We had Hi-C orange juice, ravioli, crackers with cheese and an orange.  Cameron ate the crackers and drank the juice, but refused to touch anything else.  He is a very picky eater.  Muffin Tin Mondays will help me continually offer new foods to Cameron.  I tend to get in a bit of a rut with him, since there doesn't seem to be much he'll eat.  But you never know when he might decide to try something new.   And I definitely need to find some new and creative muffin tins.  All I had handy was this cumbersome 12 holer.

Have a blessed and burden free day!

In My Solitude - One Thousand Gifts

I've been eager to seek this solitude today.  Everything seems so chaotic and jumbled.  From the children's off-kilter schedules, the messy house that seems to dirty itself the moment I clean it, to life's bigger issues, like jobs and love.


And so I continue my journey of one thousand gifts.  I'm sure I won't be able to stop there.  I've been finding myself making lists in my head all week long, eager to share what I am noticing the Lord has given.   I have learned that blessings are not the big things in life, like a large house, wealth, careers and so on.  No, it's the smallest of details that bring a smile to our lips, a skip in our hearts, and sigh in our voice.

18. Little boys who smell of peanut butter, cheerios and apple juice

19. Snow falling softly and quietly in the street lamps light

20. Little baby pouty lips

21. Grandmothers who adore there little grandchildren, and are content to hold and cuddle them

22.  Little boys rushing hurriedly to greet there 'papa'

23. Hearing your son lovingly exclaim "I love you, Daddy" for the very first time and watching as your husband's eyes glisten with tears of love.

24. The stories and secrets we share with our eyes, as I feed and snuggle my daughter

25. Long, tight embraces shared with my love, as all understanding passes between us

26. Being stolen away for a quick evening of romance

27. How mommy kisses make 'Boo boos' all better

28. Glowing fireplaces that warm deep through the skin

29. Brides in white, wedding dresses that remind you fairy tales can true.

30. And soft, wet kisses from sleepy little boys as he slips off to bed

31. Sunlight filtering into the house from every window, and filling my soul with song

God's Love - Full Circle

Saturday, I attended a wedding.
A beautiful wedding.
But it was more than just a wedding.
It was a picture, to me, of God's love coming around full circle.
There is a song by Casting Crowns called, 'Praise You in This Storm' and part of the lyrics say, "And praise the God who gives and takes away."  That's exactly what this wedding reminded me of.  God gives and takes away and He gives and takes away.  We can watch His love make a full circle around us.

I have been to my cousin's church three times.  The first was to witness the wedding ceremony of my cousin to her first husband.   It was beautiful then too.  I remember she decorated with red roses.  I was only in high school then, and I was envious of the love they shared.

The second time I was at that church was to cry along with her as we buried her husband.  It was two and a half years ago.  He had been killed in a motorcycle accident.  He left behind a son, who I believe was about 4 and a 6 month old daughter.  My heart ached for my cousin as I thought of her trying to raise these two children alone.  I wondered how God could take such a good man, a loving husband and father.  But her bravery amazed me.  I always prayed that the Lord would bring someone special along for her to love and be loved by again.  And He did.

Yesterday, we rejoiced with her at the same church, as she married again.  A new man, a completely different man, but a loving and caring man.  But in the back of my throat, I had to swallow down the lump, that kept trying to creep up.  I couldn't stop thinking of the pain she had been through.  How her heart must have ached these past years.  But now...to be filled up again.  And all because the Lord's love had come full circle.  See, the Lord may bring the rain, and the thunder may roll for a time in your life.  But it never rains forever.  There's always a sunny day on the horizon, full of new opportunities, adventures and love.

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
            ~Isaiah 40:31

A Thousand Gifts

This morning, amidst broken hearts and broken dreams, I searched here, on the blogs, for a distraction from my pain.  I knew I should turn my heart toward Jesus.   But with our "quiet time" hours away and children being rather noisy, I thought I could at least find something to turn my mind to until then.  I immediately stumbled upon another writer who was taking on the 1000 Gifts challenge.   I did a little looking, and I knew this was the distraction that my heart needed.   Instead of attempting to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and trying to bear the pain for my loved ones, I knew I should be finding joy and thankfulness in the little blessings and grace that God gives me everyday. 

You have recorded my troubles.
You have kept a list of my tears.
Aren't they in your records?

~Ps. 56:8

Ann Voskamp from Holy Experience posted this this morning "If God makes a list of my laments, I will make a list of God's love.  If God has a list of my pain, I will make a list of my praise.  If God writes a list of my tears, I will write a list of my thanks."  I was so touched at the thought that my marvelous creator could possibly take the time to record my grief.  That He cares that much for ME.  And because he cares that much for me, I will praise His name through all the endless gifts that He gives to me each new day.

So here, I begin my quiet hour with the Lord, by publicly making known to everyone, the thousands of gifts He has given me.

1. the forgiving and abundant love of my Savior.  And the gift of Heaven I have received by accepting His love.

2. a loving husband who loves in the good times and the bad.  Who loves with his whole heart.   Who is compassionate, kind and thoughtful.  Who loves me in spite of my flaws.

3. for my two children.  When I look at them I am so amazed at the miracle of life.  That God created them in my womb.  That they are piece of my husband and I.  That God has plans for them.

4. a warm home on these cold and dreary winter days.

5.  for my health.

6. Sleep.  I don't always get alot of it at this time in my life.  But this morning the children all stayed in bed and quiet until 10 minutes past 6 today.  I was so very grateful.

7.  Warm showers that cleanse and clear my senses.

8.  Soft beds that I can crawl under the sheets and drift away to slumber as another day comes to an end.

9.  for family that is always there.

10.  for aunts that love my children and babysit and play choo choo trians and give piggy back rides

11. for uncles that stop by and give little boys attention by putting together puzzles.

12. coffee that keeps me going on sleepy days, and tastes like white chocolate mochas.

13.  friends that are supportive and pray.

14.  sweet smelling babies

15.  little boys with messy hair after naps.

16.  Special valentine traditions that I can begin with my own little family now.

 

17. Anda  husband that has 2 dozen roses delivered to your door.

The list can go on.  I'm finding it so easy to be thankful for so much.  Those small moments and things that can be so easily overlooked.  I look forward to working toward my thousand every Monday morning.  What a perfect way to start off my week; praising my Lord.

Searching for Peace

I am searching for peace from my Heavenly Father.  Where is it?  It has always come so easily in my life.  Why can't I seem to find it this time.  Why does it seem so much more difficult now.  Why can't I just have the peace.

My heart hurts.

I know of your promises, Father.  I know it in my head.  I've recited them since my early days of Sunday School.   But why doesn't my heart feel it.  I just keep seeing the cards stacked up, and thinking, either way, it will turn out bad.  There doesn't seem to be a 'good' side to the circumstances anymore.

And my heart hurts.

I watch my husband struggle with the need to provide and care for his family, and not being able to find new work.  Why Lord?  Why won't you bless him and give him the  most wonderful job.  You know he is the most deserving.  Why does every possibility or opportunity of being able to continue living in our home and our city, near our family and our friends, seem to be a closed door.   I don't want to pack up my belongings Lord, and live in a strange new place with no one that I know or love near me.

And my heart hurts.

I long to be a woman, wife and mother that is cherished and remembered.  I want to go above and beyond for my family and others.   I try, I mightily try.  But it seems I have more days filled with frustration, because of little boys with bad behavior and sweet girls who won't sleep.  Didn't you want me to be something great Lord?  Wasn't I supposed to help many?  Every attempt on my behalf has failed.

And my heart hurts.

Why oh why Lord, do you let me fail daily at my job?  Since the day I walked in, I have only seen it decline.  And yet I have watched others soar.  Am I not doing your will?  Why don't you make it clear to me?  I beg you, I search your face.  What is your purpose?  I have never been so hard on myself.  Is there a reason for this?

And my heart hurts more.

So I search for the peace.  I look in every nook and cranny.  Every Bible verse and quote.  I hear the words, but they don't seem to penetrate.  A friend shared with me a beautiful quote.  So true and comforting.
"It is heartening to realize that God accomplishes His purposes despite our frailties, our little faith, our entrenched self-reliance"
And I know that God can use this mess of me.  These words, like so many others, should bring me peace.  They should fill me and overflow me with joy.  I understand the words, I know the meaning.  But yet, my heart feels nothing.  No peace.  It evades me.

And my heart hurts.

Please Lord, I beg of you.  Show your face to me.  Whisper your promises in my ear.  Hold me close and let me cry my tears of self-pity on your shoulder.   Comfort me with your love and your peace.    And take this broken vessel and use it for your glory.

I Heart Overalls

There is just something about a little boys in overalls.  I just love it!  I almost always have owned one or two pairs of overalls at a time for Cameron, because they're just so darn cute.   Infact that was probably one of the very first outfits I bought for Cameron; a pair of overalls.  My mom thought I was crazy to be putting something like that on a llittle 1 month old, but I couldn't resist.  Overalls scream, boy!  And my son is definitely all boy. 
Cameron always has cars in his hands, pockets, or backpack.  I hardly ever see him without a car.  Car was his first word, and is still the most often used word on a daily basis.  He loves trains, and wrestling.  He runs, jumps, climbs, and is loud.  He's all boy.  And I love that he is all boy.  Granted, some days I am ready for him to head to bed, because my head is spinning and my ears are ringing from all of his activity.  But I love to watch him indulge in all his 'boyness'.    But the cutest part of all is that he looks slightly mischievous in overalls.

Here's just a few pictures of my obsession with overalls

 

Very first pair of overalls

And don't forget those adorable cotton short overalls with no shirt underneath.  

Warm flannel lined overalls for cold winter days

and ofcourse he took in his very first steps while wearing overalls

Train conductors wear overalls

And today we're sporting a simple 'all boy' overall look!

Lots of room for hiding snakes and snails and chasing puppy dog tails.

An Exceptionally Spit-upy Week

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but honestly, I got a little scared.   I had no knowledge of how blogs really worked, previously.  So instead of buying "Blogging for Idiots", I've just been scouring around, trying to figure out all the many features of blogging.  In the meantime, I've come across a few favorites that I have been following.  Which, coincidentally, are written by other mothers of young children or about children-like things.  As much as I have enjoyed their beautiful writings, I began to feel uncertain about mine.  Oh sure, when I was younger I loved to write.  I once dreamed of being an author.  I loved to write stories in my notebook.  I was always dreaming up something.  I even won a few writing contests.  But then it felt like my creativity left me, sometime in high school.  It never returned.  And now, as a slightly tired mother, I feel I can barely keep one foot in front of another, let alone write eloquently on a blog for all the world to read.  But the desire has still been here.  I'm not sure why, but I really really want to write.  So after a week of debate, I have decided I'll write.  It may not be beautiful and picturesque, but maybe that will follow after some practice.  Who knows maybe my creativity will return.

Well this week has been rather spit-upy, in more ways than one.  I've been feeling a little "raw".  I'm not sure how else to word it.  And I'm certain that this winter gloom and doom is no help at all.  In fact, the days that the sun shines, are probably the only thing that keeps me hopeful right now.  It reminds that spring will come.

Elissa's spit-up on the other hand, I'm not sure what that reminds me of.  Perhaps it helps to keep me in check that, I'm just a mother of two, one in the throws of the terrible two's and the other decorating me in spit-up every few seconds.  And maybe I should quit expecting so much out of myself at this time in my life.  Maybe I should quit trying to do it all.

Well besides wiping spit-up from my shirt, pants, hair, etc., there has been many wonderful and fun moments taking place in our little household the past few weeks.

 

Daddy and Cameron built a wonderful fort out of a blanket and some chairs on cold winters evening.

Cameron has been enjoying showing off all his cars to his sister.  He'll tell you if he's holding a 'blue car'.  He can't identify any other cars.  So I'm not sure if this is just by coincidence, or if he's actually at that point of learning colors.  I'm getting ready to do some Tot School with him at least 3 days a weeks, once Elissa starts a 'normal' schedule and begins taking a nice morning nap.  I thought it would be a great opportunity to do some learning and have just some special time with Cameron.  I"ll keep you updated on that when we begin.

Elissa is taking in the world around her.  She is becoming so much more aware of everything. She reaches out for toys, and is always smiling.  She'll sit and watch you and and soon as you turn your head in her direction, she let's out a great big grin, from ear to ear.  She's such a joy.

I bought these 'Big brother' and 'Little Sister' shirts way back when we first found out I was pregnant with a little girl.  I have been dying to take a cute photo with them snuggling together in their shirts, grins on their faces.  Elissa is out of 0-3 month clothes, but I squeezed the shirt on, and hoped we could capture a nice moment.

No such luck.  Big brother would have nothing to do with sitting next to his sister that day.  He didn't want the camera in his face and he certainly wasn't about to cooperate. (Even if I had thrown a bribe or two in there).  

So this is it.  The photo of the sibling shirts.  I can't help but look at it and laugh.  Aaaaaahhhh, welcome to my life. You just never know what the day will bring.

And last but not least.  I hauled out the Jumperoo for Elissa today.  This was, by far, Cameron's most favorite toy ever.  He would happily bounce for hours if I let him.  I think they must like the freedom of movement, and for my Acid Reflux children, being upright.  Elissa's eyes lit up by the new toys that circled the seat.  She didn't catch on to the bouncing yet, but was certainly entertained by the toys and the bird hanging above.  It almost breaks my heart to see her in this toy.  It means the newborn stage is definitely over.  (although her heavy 14pd. body has been telling me that for while now).  It's always fun to watch your children grow and develop, and it's sad at the same time.  I think the time goes by so quickly.  And you're sleep deprived.  And you can't even seem to remember how she felt curled up in your arms as a little newborn.  Or how her hair smelled. Or how she would just stare at your eyes, and I knew she felt safe and loved.  I could have stayed at that age and place just a little longer.  It goes by so quickly.

But now we're on to reaching, and grabbing and bouncing and spit-up.  OH the spit-up.  It's strange how one day, I'll probably miss the spit-up rags, white spots on my shirt, and that smell.  So I'll try to treasure the spit-up, all the spit-up in my life.  And remember that one day it will be gone, and I'll think of all the good memories from that spit-upy time of life.