Searching for Peace

I am searching for peace from my Heavenly Father.  Where is it?  It has always come so easily in my life.  Why can't I seem to find it this time.  Why does it seem so much more difficult now.  Why can't I just have the peace.

My heart hurts.

I know of your promises, Father.  I know it in my head.  I've recited them since my early days of Sunday School.   But why doesn't my heart feel it.  I just keep seeing the cards stacked up, and thinking, either way, it will turn out bad.  There doesn't seem to be a 'good' side to the circumstances anymore.

And my heart hurts.

I watch my husband struggle with the need to provide and care for his family, and not being able to find new work.  Why Lord?  Why won't you bless him and give him the  most wonderful job.  You know he is the most deserving.  Why does every possibility or opportunity of being able to continue living in our home and our city, near our family and our friends, seem to be a closed door.   I don't want to pack up my belongings Lord, and live in a strange new place with no one that I know or love near me.

And my heart hurts.

I long to be a woman, wife and mother that is cherished and remembered.  I want to go above and beyond for my family and others.   I try, I mightily try.  But it seems I have more days filled with frustration, because of little boys with bad behavior and sweet girls who won't sleep.  Didn't you want me to be something great Lord?  Wasn't I supposed to help many?  Every attempt on my behalf has failed.

And my heart hurts.

Why oh why Lord, do you let me fail daily at my job?  Since the day I walked in, I have only seen it decline.  And yet I have watched others soar.  Am I not doing your will?  Why don't you make it clear to me?  I beg you, I search your face.  What is your purpose?  I have never been so hard on myself.  Is there a reason for this?

And my heart hurts more.

So I search for the peace.  I look in every nook and cranny.  Every Bible verse and quote.  I hear the words, but they don't seem to penetrate.  A friend shared with me a beautiful quote.  So true and comforting.
"It is heartening to realize that God accomplishes His purposes despite our frailties, our little faith, our entrenched self-reliance"
And I know that God can use this mess of me.  These words, like so many others, should bring me peace.  They should fill me and overflow me with joy.  I understand the words, I know the meaning.  But yet, my heart feels nothing.  No peace.  It evades me.

And my heart hurts.

Please Lord, I beg of you.  Show your face to me.  Whisper your promises in my ear.  Hold me close and let me cry my tears of self-pity on your shoulder.   Comfort me with your love and your peace.    And take this broken vessel and use it for your glory.